The walls wont hold me anymore.
The Walls Won't Hold Me Anymore
This is the point where I can't take it anymore. This is the point where I realise the beauty of blogging. This is the point where I'm overwhelmed, with so much feelings and troubles. The more I feel so troubled, the more I just want to keep my mouth shut. there's just so much...and I badly wish to forget about all these. I really do. And am waiting for the day, I can get over this...everything.
I wish I was heartless. i really do...I'm so ever frustrated. stupid STUPID me. Why did I get myself into this. Why did I say "You know I'm here for you as a friend" when she first broke up with him. Why.... He hated me before this. He said things that hurt me like shit. And then when he came to me, and said sorry I made you go through that road..I had to feel bad for what happened to him last year. I had to help him cos I really cared for him and I forgive him about everything. I told myself, I won't go far. I'm just gonna give him all I am and that's it. As much as I was willing to help him all I can, I was trying to keep my distance from him. but HOW was I to know, that he kept coming to me...and I got myself all tangled up in him.
And at that time when I felt the closure between us, my heart felt so light... I never felt so good and happy. It never been better...really. My heart felt so light, yet heavy. Felt so safe, yet so insecure. Felt so right yet so wrong. For all those good times..For the care I felt I was getting from him. It was so good. And the times when he asks me how am I, or what's wrong when he sees me looking quite down. Or telling me that he wants to see me.. How a message from him makes me smile differently..Or the calls I get from him late at night.. And those sweet memories he left for me. I should be thankful for that..I am. Thank you for the times you made me happier. And i'm missing it all. I miss you. I hoped that those moments could stay. but I know I shouldn't and maybe I should start accepting the facts.
these voices in my head kept warning me, that you'll never know that you might get hurt again and that..We're just not meant to be like how unmeant to be we were before. Wait no, if we were not meant to be before..means that wouldnt change right. yeah.. I know that. THAT'S the problem. I knew that. But I just wanted to feel this happiness without a care. and told myself I would be prepared for anything. sigh.. Somehow I think he thinks that I might be able to help him forget about her, but I'm not her. She's everything I'm not. and I can't be able to replace her...And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you enough...
And now he has been avoiding me for the couple of months. I knew he was. And I know that I was avoiding him too. Both avoiding each other, but I'm not quite sure why. But I think I know why. And the way he's avoiding me these few months just hurts me. I apologized for avoiding him anyway..And he said that he felt that he was avoiding me instead..But he doesn't know why..He doesn't wanna think about it because he got tonnes of things in his mind and needs to clear his mind. so I said, okay. Understood.. These few weeks I've been thinking about how am I suppose to tell him what I really feel deep down inside cos I cant take it and just had to let him know. but decided not to now. Cos his mind is filled with other things and this would make it harder for him. I'm not willing to make him feel worse in any way. And again I told him that if there's anything, you do know you can come to me if you want. omg. see what I mean... I just can't help but to help him in any way I can. cos I promised myself to always be there for him.
This is why sometimes I feel like I hate myself SO MUCH. I get myself into all these.. Nothing was his fault. My emotions that I feel everyday has nothing got to do with him. I just need to let it all out now so that maybe now when I let it out here I'll feel much better. And yeah I think I do. It's funny how he can make me do things I never thought I would do. Feel emotions that I never thought I would feel for him I never understood why I do until this day..for maybe 4 years I suppose.
I'm dying to leave all this behind. I will.
It's true. You're the best thing that happened to me.
I love you...
blurgirl.
This is the point where I can't take it anymore. This is the point where I realise the beauty of blogging. This is the point where I'm overwhelmed, with so much feelings and troubles. The more I feel so troubled, the more I just want to keep my mouth shut. there's just so much...and I badly wish to forget about all these. I really do. And am waiting for the day, I can get over this...everything.
I wish I was heartless. i really do...I'm so ever frustrated. stupid STUPID me. Why did I get myself into this. Why did I say "You know I'm here for you as a friend" when she first broke up with him. Why.... He hated me before this. He said things that hurt me like shit. And then when he came to me, and said sorry I made you go through that road..I had to feel bad for what happened to him last year. I had to help him cos I really cared for him and I forgive him about everything. I told myself, I won't go far. I'm just gonna give him all I am and that's it. As much as I was willing to help him all I can, I was trying to keep my distance from him. but HOW was I to know, that he kept coming to me...and I got myself all tangled up in him.
And at that time when I felt the closure between us, my heart felt so light... I never felt so good and happy. It never been better...really. My heart felt so light, yet heavy. Felt so safe, yet so insecure. Felt so right yet so wrong. For all those good times..For the care I felt I was getting from him. It was so good. And the times when he asks me how am I, or what's wrong when he sees me looking quite down. Or telling me that he wants to see me.. How a message from him makes me smile differently..Or the calls I get from him late at night.. And those sweet memories he left for me. I should be thankful for that..I am. Thank you for the times you made me happier. And i'm missing it all. I miss you. I hoped that those moments could stay. but I know I shouldn't and maybe I should start accepting the facts.
these voices in my head kept warning me, that you'll never know that you might get hurt again and that..We're just not meant to be like how unmeant to be we were before. Wait no, if we were not meant to be before..means that wouldnt change right. yeah.. I know that. THAT'S the problem. I knew that. But I just wanted to feel this happiness without a care. and told myself I would be prepared for anything. sigh.. Somehow I think he thinks that I might be able to help him forget about her, but I'm not her. She's everything I'm not. and I can't be able to replace her...And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you enough...
And now he has been avoiding me for the couple of months. I knew he was. And I know that I was avoiding him too. Both avoiding each other, but I'm not quite sure why. But I think I know why. And the way he's avoiding me these few months just hurts me. I apologized for avoiding him anyway..And he said that he felt that he was avoiding me instead..But he doesn't know why..He doesn't wanna think about it because he got tonnes of things in his mind and needs to clear his mind. so I said, okay. Understood.. These few weeks I've been thinking about how am I suppose to tell him what I really feel deep down inside cos I cant take it and just had to let him know. but decided not to now. Cos his mind is filled with other things and this would make it harder for him. I'm not willing to make him feel worse in any way. And again I told him that if there's anything, you do know you can come to me if you want. omg. see what I mean... I just can't help but to help him in any way I can. cos I promised myself to always be there for him.
This is why sometimes I feel like I hate myself SO MUCH. I get myself into all these.. Nothing was his fault. My emotions that I feel everyday has nothing got to do with him. I just need to let it all out now so that maybe now when I let it out here I'll feel much better. And yeah I think I do. It's funny how he can make me do things I never thought I would do. Feel emotions that I never thought I would feel for him I never understood why I do until this day..for maybe 4 years I suppose.
I'm dying to leave all this behind. I will.
It's true. You're the best thing that happened to me.
I love you...
blurgirl.
posted by Zen at
9:59 AM
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